3. (continued)
Mrs Nichols speared a sauteed shrimp with her fork. It was halfway to her mouth when Renault asked, "Are you happy?"
Her first reaction was to wish she had a dictionary handy, to look up the word 'happy.' She lowered her fork, smiling at him. The mystery of his handsome facade was back. His eyes were veiled by an invisible retaining wall. He seemed at that moment like a friendly neighbor leaning over the fence to inquire of her in a mode of politeness, but with a dark secretive motive.
She was at a loss. She defined happiness as an acceptable boredom that promised something exciting, but she knew that for everyone else in the world it meant plenty of money and an obedient, loyal lover. She had neither. She had just the promise of them that came with her boredom; the boredom she hoped would dispell her loneliness. Well, weren't the promises beginning to be fulfilled? Wasn't it true that Renault Chevrolet was feeling his way toward her heart? Hadn't he set aside his shop talk in favor of getting to know her? Certainly, she thought, lifting her glass of sparkling water. Certainly, but that wasn't proof of anything but good breeding. I had better be careful, she warned herself. Mr Nichols had fooled her. She did not intend to let herself be fooled again.
"I don't worry about whether I'm happy or not," she said cavalierly, "I just get on with things."
Renault took a pensive bite of his broiled fish. He made a gesture with his fork. "That's a practical attitude," he said with a faint hint of disapproval. "But I don't find life to be a practical proposition. The surface of life is like a sand dune. It's always shifting around. You can't build a house on it. The best we can do is carry our own shade."
Mrs Nichols felt that he agreed with her about just getting on with things, if it was true that happiness was as shifty, as unpredictable, as a sand dune. But she felt on a deeper level that he wasn't resigned to life's impracticality. And didn't this mean that he was as 'happy' as she? Her heart leaped. This nearly took her breath away. His happiness was as abstract as hers. It was based on the calculations of wind and its effect on sand. Guesswork. Life was a guessing game. Was he guessing that she liked him, that she was hoping he liked her? Two people lost in the Sahara, wanting to share their shade with each other...
"It isn't easy," he said, pausing to take a drink from his glass of white wine. Mrs Nichols opened herself up to the excitement his words suggested. "It... isn't easy to admit that I'm in the wrong profession."
Mrs Nichols acted as though she understood completely. But she was disheartened. What was he trying to tell her? She raised her brows to show her interest, scooping up a modicum of rice and pausing, as he had, before closing her lips over the fork.
"Idealism is a brain disease," he said with abrupt passion. "I was a fool to think that I could make a difference, that my set of ethics could win the day. For over twenty years I've been wearing blinders and rose-colored glasses. I needn't explain how corrupt things are in business and politics. Not to mention philosophy and religion. I hope I'm not offending you."
What! she thought. Why should he think that she might be offended? Wasn't he stating the obvious about society's grasping, clutching play for 'the good life'?
"No, I quite understand the frustration," she said. She sat back, wiped her fingertips on the cloth napkin in her lap, and impulsively reached for her cigarettes. She was aware of her actions, that they were supposed to be taboo. But Renault's bearing was undergoing a sea-change. The expected etiquette was as dispensable as her after-dinner mint. She lit up and blew smoke at a slant, flicking ash on the tile and waiting... waiting for his reaction.
"I can see that the real estate profession has introduced you to the same slick footing as mine," he said. He looked relieved. He relaxed back in his chair and smiled at her, lifting his wine glass and then glancing at the patio guests and at the boats moored in the bay. "After all, it's all about investments," he continued. "Everything's an investment. Everything's a risk."
"It's a compromise," said Mrs Nichols. They were like two old friends sitting on a porch in some austere old-fashioned neighborhood. "You take what you can get and hope for the best."
"And if everyone followed that rule, we'd all be happy," he said earnestly, as if through her he had recognized the key to contentment. He shrugged, following her example by pulling out a pack of thin cheroots. He lit one with the musing expression of a man shuffling cards in a high stakes poker game.
Mrs Nichols followed his example in looking at the sights around her. What a beautiful day it was. Here she sat on the edge of her last minute of married life, having supposed that a wide empty gulf stretched before her. But now... She watched the plume of smoke pass through the wisteria vines overhead, through the trellis and out into the sea air. It was a sigh of... yes, of happiness, that abstract thing that nobody can clearly define but everyone desires. No gulf. That was how she saw the word now. No gulf, but a bridge leading one through the transition from the last minute to the first.
She smiled at him warmly, unselfconsciously now that he was introspective. They were on the same wavelength, she thought. They were sailing on the same course. Certainly that was an element of happiness.
Renault held the cheroot between his teeth, hissing smoke in a sigh of his own. He removed it and said, in a pleasant tone of apology, "I'm afraid I've misplaced your name. Annette Nicholson?"
She breathed a laugh. "Nora," she said, "Nora Nichols."
He looked at the yachts. One was unfurling its main sail. He watched the activity on deck for a minute. Then he frowned, squaring his shoulders as he sat forward, facing her without looking at her.
"Is your husband Alfred Nichols?"
"Yes... That's right. He's divorcing me."
"Is he?" he said, as though he didn't believe her. He took out his billfold, extracted a card, and placed it beside her plate. Numb and speechless, she read it without touching it.
'New York Investment Enterprises. Benjamin Halsey, majority owner.'
There was a phone number, fax number, and email address. Renault Chevrolet stood up and put a sheaf of pound notes on the table. Without saying a word he walked away, went into the indoor dining area, and disappeared from her life.
She stared at the pound notes. There was a breeze and they fluttered. She placed a water glass on them and looked out at the sailing yacht. It luffed, but unlike the pound notes there was nothing holding it down. It glided slowly on a tack that would take it out to sea. For a moment she thought it would be "in chains," having lost the wind. But at the last minute the sails stiffened. A bow wave formed. The yacht went to sea.
Mrs Nichols gauged the broad gulf of blue sparkling water. It was very wide.